


A Lonely Mind

by Bandity



Series: Lonely Mind [1]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Discussion of Suicidal Feelings, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Female Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/referenced suicidal imagery, It's me so someone is going to puke, Langst, Major Character Injury, Medication, Minor Injuries, Self-Harm, Self-Loathing, Vomit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-24
Updated: 2017-05-27
Packaged: 2018-11-04 09:13:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 19,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10987881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bandity/pseuds/Bandity
Summary: Lance struggles with depression, choosing to hide his problems, he starts down a dangerous road alone.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The point of this isn't to view anti-depressants in a negative way. Whether or not you take medication is between you and your doctor. This explores a lot of negative feelings and struggles that one may experience, it is not to claim that anti-depressants are bad or should be viewed in a negative light. People need to do what they can to stay happy and healthy. Take care of yourselves. 
> 
> Please excuse mistakes, this thing is kind of a monster to read through and proofread. I don't usually post without checking more thoroughly, but I'm out of time.

Lance couldn't pinpoint the moment when he realized something was actually wrong with him. For about a year, he thought it was just normal to worry about his loved ones so much that he started to cry when he was left alone. He thought it was normal to just feel lost and feel like there was a constant weight pulling him down. He probably would have kept thinking it was normal, if his mother hadn't caught him crying one day.

She had left for her new job and while Lance watched the car drive away down the road, he couldn't help feeling the distress come over him. What if she didn't come back? What if something happened to her while she was away? Lance worried a lot, but he couldn't stop the stress from climbing up his spine and settling in his brain. When he was with his siblings or friends he was usually able to distract himself, but when he was alone, he just felt so empty and there were just times when he wasn't so sure of anything.

He had started crying at this empty sensation he felt and the unrelenting feeling that if something happened to his mother he wouldn't be able to stand it. He had become so wrapped up in his thoughts that he hadn't heard his mother come back, forgetting her phone on the counter.

Lance was horrified when she found him standing in the middle of their living room, crying. But then he couldn't explain himself and she was holding him asking him what had happened. Eventually he told her that it was normal, he did this every time he was left alone. He just couldn't help it.

She didn't end up going into work that day.

The next few weeks would be filled with all different kinds of doctor appointments and a lot of people asking him so many questions.

Depression they said. A chemical imbalance in his brain. It meant psychologists and psychiatrists and finally medication that made him throw up, so then there was new medication that still made him a little nauseous and messed with his sleep, but it eventually helped.

He had been 13 when it all started and, after a few years, he decided he was done with the pills. He felt good, he was accepted into the Garrison, he laughed and he hardly cried anymore. So he spoke with the doctors and they agreed he could be weaned off. But his mother gave him a concerned look when he told her his decision.

"Lance just be careful, your father struggled with the same thing."

Lance was looking at his stepfather for a full minute before he realized his mother meant his biological father. He felt betrayed in that moment by that man who he never had really gotten to know well in the first place. They had told him genetics could be a factor, but Lance was stronger now, he could stand on his own.

His mother told him that he had _always_ been strong. Lance didn't really understand what she meant. He certainly hadn't felt very strong before.

When he went off to the Garrison, he promised his mother he would tell someone if things got bad, if he started not doing well again. He felt wary of the promise, but he made it all the same. Doubt crept into his mind, what if his brain couldn't keep it together like he thought it would? He had started to worry... But then there was Hunk and Pidge and he was determined to be the best pilot, even if he messed up sometimes. He wasn't going to let it get him down.

He was strong now. He was better now.

* * *

 

It was early on, after leaving Earth, that Lance began to feel the first few pulls on his thoughts that would have definitely been classified as negative self-talk.

_You’re not good enough._

_You won’t be able to save anyone next time._

_Nobody wants you here._

Automatic Negative Thoughts. His therapist had called them ANTS. Like they were insects crawling through his mind. Like as if the acronym made them cute and easier to deal with. He pushed the thoughts away. He was just homesick, it wasn't anything he couldn't handle. He was fine, just fine.

* * *

 

He was beginning to feel like he was breaking and it made him fight harder. He joked and smiled and tried desperately to always lift the team's morale. Keith didn't quite seem to understand him, but that was alright. Lance still tried to include him, to make him less gloomy. If he just kept trying, they would all be alright. They had to be. But at night he wasn't sleeping well. Tossing and turning and unable to get his mind to shut off. The headphones made it easier and he found, if he trained hard, he could just be exhausted enough to collapse into sleep.

 

* * *

 

When Lance first woke up from the healing pod, he was drowsy and he felt a little lightheaded, but they said he was doing well. Everyone seemed happy to see him and he got to hear about how he was basically super awesome, waking up from a coma to save the day.

It wasn't until he woke up the _next_ morning that he realized he had fallen asleep without hardly any trouble. He was early to breakfast that day and was through his second helping before Shiro caught his eye.

"You feeling better?" Shiro asked with a genuine smile.

"Yeah," Lance enthusiastically grinned, and he realized that he was being completely honest. He wasn't forcing his smile or fighting back those thoughts that often pulled at him. He felt really great. Lance was truly, honestly happy and he felt ready to take on anything.

It didn't last though.

They had returned from a tough mission and Lance wasn't even aware of how terrible he felt until he went to sleep that night and couldn't stop his brain from going over the events of the day and recycling the moments when he could have done better. He could have done so many things differently. And it had been terrifying when he saw his other teammates going into battle and they could die at any minute and maybe it would be his fault this time.

He turned the headphones up louder and slipped his eye mask tightly around his head. What was going on? Why would this happen now? He had been doing so well.

He felt a sob build in his chest and he clenched his teeth against it, but he couldn't hold it back. He felt tears slip from behind the mask and drip into his hairline, dampening the hair above his ears.

He already felt inadequate and now he was really letting it get to him and that in itself was a failure too. Why did it bother him so much? He recalled crying in his mother's arms as a young teen, but the memory just made him hurt worse. He wanted home. He had thought he was doing better. What was going on? He had nearly died and after being in the healing pod he had felt great! He had felt healed inside and out...

Something clicked into place. His thoughts came into focus with such a sudden realization that he gasped and was able to halt his tears temporarily.

He recalled his doctor talking to him about chemical levels in his brain, that part of the problem was that he was just low on these levels. The medication would help balance them out and he would feel better.

Oh.

The pods were perfect for stabilizing life forms. They encouraged healing and helped the body to regulate itself.

Lance forced the mask off his face and stared at the ceiling above him. It had been the pod this whole time. He hadn't just gotten better on his own. It was like when he was younger and needed the pills to make him feel steadier, more capable.

Lance felt tears begin to form in his eyes again and he angrily brushed them away. He had been so stupid to think he was doing well on his own. And now what? He couldn't just ask to be put in a pod. They would ask questions and nobody outside of his family knew about the medication he used to take, not even Hunk. He was embarrassed by it, it didn't matter what anyone told him, he had never been comfortable with it, not when he was 13 and certainly not now.

He would just have to deal with it. Be stronger. Be better. They needed him to be better than this.

* * *

 

Lance had found cover behind a large tree and, when he was able to, he would fire away. He was taking out as much of the opposition as possible. He wasn't looking for victory here though, Shiro had been very specific. He only needed to hold them off until they could move the planet's inhabitants into the castleship. At the command, Keith was supposed to come to collect him and then they were both supposed to "run like hell" back to their Lions.

The call came and Lance ducked down, crawling towards the meetup point. The firing had mostly stopped, but he was sure there were probably still sentries out there, among the trees of the thick forest.

"Lance!" Keith was sitting, huddled against a tree. Blood was dripping down Keith’s face, but it didn't seem like he noticed it. "Took you long enough," Keith hissed.

"I'm being stealthy," Lance hissed back. “Stealthy takes time.”

"Be stealthy later, we got to get out of here."

After glancing around quickly, both boys stood up and began hustling back to the meetup point. Lance was shooting glances over his shoulder, looking for movement, any sign of danger. He was being careful, which was why, when he was suddenly face down on the ground with his shoulder screaming in pain, he was confused over what had just happened. He spit dirt from his mouth and tried to take a deep breath. His shoulder burned.  He could see smoke rising from his armor. He imagined he wouldn't have a shoulder any more if it wasn't for the extra protection. As it was, his arm felt like it was going strangely numb. He thought he heard Keith swearing somewhere in the vicinity. Then there were loud noises as Keith crashed through the foliage, shouting expletives and apparently going after whoever had just shot him. Lance tried to push himself into a sitting position. Leave it to Keith to seek vengeance immediately and abandon Lance in the dirt.

_That figures._

Lance bit down hard to stop himself from crying out. Moving was difficult. It was his shoulder that had taken the hit, but the pain radiated across his back. He attempted to pull himself along the ground, but it really, really hurt. Cold swept over him and he wondered if that was shock setting in. He didn’t have time to think about it more because Keith was back suddenly and hauling him up.

Lance couldn't help the cry that escaped him. But Keith ignored it.

"We gotta go. There's more coming."

Lance's legs didn't cooperate and he stumbled, nearly dragging Keith down with him.

"Lance you're shot in the shoulder, not your leg. Move your feet."

"You're a jerk," Lance ground out. For the sake of his pride, Lance forced his legs to cooperate and they more or less held his weight.

Distantly, Lance heard Shiro's voice on the comlink, but he wasn't able to focus on it, all of his attention was on getting his feet to move and not being too much of a burden for Keith.

"Shiro's on his way. Did you hear? He's going to give us cover in the Black Lion...."

Lance made a hopefully affirmative sounding noise.

"He's in pain, but he's conscious."

It took Lance a moment to realize that Keith was responding to something on the com about him. Shiro must have been wondering what was going on.

"He's just being quiet, which is weird for him, yeah."

Guess they found a way to get him to shut up. Lance grimaced, he really wasn't trying to be annoying most of the time, he just couldn't help it.

There was a great gust of wind that rattled the trees overhead. Shiro had arrived and he soon began firing behind them, alerting them both to the fact that they had soldiers on their tail. Keith picked up the pace, now dragging Lance more than supporting him.

When they arrived at the Lions, Lance found his feet again and he twisted towards Blue, but Keith held fast.

"What are you doing? You're not piloting like this. You're going to ride with me in Red. Hunk is coming to tow Blue."

Lance opened his mouth to argue.

"I'm cold," he said instead in a shuddering voice. That hadn't been what he meant to say, but he felt like his brain was fogging up. Keith was saying something and he looked way too concerned. Lance really must be losing it. He slumped against Keith's side. His shoulder really hurt and fighting back the pain was sapping his energy.

He wanted to get to Blue, maybe the lion could pilot herself back to the castleship. They could try it...

Before he knew what was happening, Lance was being dumped onto the floor of Red's cockpit.

"You're delirious. We're not going to put you in Blue's cockpit and just hope she flies back on her own."

Keith was soon taking off, but he reached down to place a hand on Lance's side to steady him and to keep him from sliding around on the floor.

"Stay with me, alright? You're going to be fine."

Oh.

Keith sounded scared.

* * *

 

Lance stayed conscious through the flight back, but by the time he was in the infirmary, and had Coran and most of the team assessing him, he just wished he would have passed out.

They had carefully removed all of his armor and then cut away the black material underneath that. He was now bare chested, stretched out on an exam table. He was too busy fighting through the most awful burning sensation to feel as exposed as he probably should.

Coran had gently been prying cloth away from his shoulder, but it stuck to his burned flesh. Lance swiveled his head trying to get a look at the damage, but Shiro firmly pushed his head back to the side, making him face the other side of the room.

"Don't look at it." Shiro said authoritatively.

"I'm going to numb this here. It's the only way I'm going to be able to remove the fabric from his skin. We can put him in a pod after that." Coran sounded way more serious than Lance had ever heard him. If anything, Coran’s tone of voice scared Lance more than the fact that he had actually been shot.

"Hunk, go around the other side. Talk to him," Shiro ordered. Shiro hadn't removed his hand from the side of Lance's head and he was beginning to feel anxious from being forced to stay still.

Then Hunk was there, giving him a worried smile and maybe looking a little teary eyed, but he was there.

"Hey, man. You're going to be alright."

Lance blinked at him in response. Truthfully, the entire thing felt so surreal, it was probably the shock making everything seem sort of fuzzy and cold and... There was a sharp pain in his shoulder that caused Lance to jerk. Shiro held him down and Hunk grabbed his hand.

"You're alright, you're alright," Shiro encouraged. Hunk gave his hand a squeeze, but seemed unable to say anything. The pain subsided quickly as a numbness spread across his shoulder. Oh, Coran had done something. In the absence of pain, Lance just felt tired.

He stared at Hunk blearily for a minute.

"Keith?" Lance asked, because hadn't Keith just been there with them? Where did he go?

"Keith stepped out," Shiro responded flatly. Keith was often unable to sit still, especially in times of crisis. He had a doing nature and it made him anxious to have to stand by and watch a teammate get his shoulder wound cleaned out. Also, Keith had gone a bit pale upon seeing the actual wound revealed and was quite possibly walking the halls trying not to be sick.

"Pidge?" Lance asked then. Lance hadn't seen or heard from Pidge since he got back. Was she alright?

"I'm here," came the shaky response from somewhere out of Lance's view.

"Pidge is observing from afar," Hunk said with a gentle smile.

"Does he need me?" Pidge asked quietly, mustering up her courage.

"Not if she is scared. Does it look that bad?" Lance tried to turn his head again, but Shiro pushed him back down once more.

"Just a little longer," Shiro muttered.

"You have to stay still," Hunk was practically whispering to him. Lance felt a small hand wrap around his foot. Pidge was keeping her distance, but trying to be supportive.

Lance focused on breathing through the tension in the room. He was glad to have his friends with him, but they all seemed to be just as freaked out as he was. It was upsetting, he didn't like it.

A moment later, Coran was saying he was finished and next thing Lance knew, Shiro replaced Hunk in his line of vision.

"I'm going to pick you up, alright? Maybe... shut your eyes."

Lance furrowed his brow.

"Is it really that bad?" Lance forced out.

"Just trust me on this one, buddy."

Lance trusted Shiro. Of course he did. He let his eyes slip closed and Shiro was then picking him up with one arm under his knees. His shoulder was jostled, but the pain seemed distant now. As they moved, Lance shuddered in the cold air, he was now feeling the lack of a shirt.

"You're going to be alright," Shiro mumbled into Lance's hair.

Lance took a deep breath and held it. He didn't enjoy the pods, but he knew it was necessary. Even if they were a bit scary sometimes.

A cold darkness overtook him before he could exhale.

* * *

 

When Lance came out of the pod, they all greeted him enthusiastically and Lance felt better than he had in weeks. He was healed and his head felt more level than it had in a while. His smile was completely genuine and he didn't feel like he was faking his good mood.

Lance looked back at the now vacant pod. It worked better than any medication he had ever been given. Having to sit out for a few days was way less than ideal, but the pod didn't give him any side effects and the results were immediately noticeable.

"Sorry to worry you," Lance apologized when he thought it was appropriate.

“Just don't make it a habit."

Lance stared at Hunk. It had been meant as a joke, but Lance looked at him as though he had just said something truly... thought provoking.

After a moment, Lance smiled.

"Of course not. That Galra just got a lucky shot. I'm usually the master of stealthy retreats."

Everyone rolled their eyes.

"Glad you're feeling better, Lance." Shiro had swung an arm around him and Lance grinned.

Lance felt great.

* * *

 

For weeks, he was at his best. Not that the situations were easy, but he felt like he could handle things without a dark cloud hanging over him. His smiles were real and he was able to sleep at night again.

It didn't last.

One night he was exhausted and as he climbed into bed he felt a deep anxiety creep into his chest. He ignored it, coughing as if he just had something stuck in his throat. When the feeling didn't disappear, he tapped his fingers on his chest and then absently tapped the wall behind him.

Okay. The feeling wasn't leaving. But he was so tired and he had to be up early. If he just shut his eyes and tried to think of nothing... Something close to panic gripped him and he was out of bed and looking for the headphones instantly.

Soon he was listening to music too loudly and trying desperately to force all his thoughts from his mind.

Just listen. Don't think.

He didn't lie back down; instead he sat on the edge of his bed, willing himself to calm down.

Despite his best efforts, his thoughts got away from him anyway. He was anxious and so frustrated with himself. His stupid brain couldn't even function normally for more than a few weeks. And how was he supposed to do this? He needed to sleep; people were relying on him to be alert, to be at his best. If he was too tired, if he made one too many mistakes, they could die. And it would be his fault, because he's too stupid to even be able to function normally. A distant thought bubbled up... _don't think about yourself that way, your mind is just wired differently_... It sounded like his mom.

Lance felt like he was going to be sick.

This was too hard, he couldn't keep doing this. The only time he felt like he was worth anything was after he was in the pod and that only happened when he was hurt...

The idea went through his mind again. It had started to form when Hunk had told him not to make a habit out of it, but he had pushed it away then, pretending that he hadn’t thought it in the first place. Lance felt guilty immediately for even thinking it. But if he had to be hurt... If it was the only way...

Lance didn't sleep that night.

* * *

 

They were in the heat of a battle and Lance was covering for Hunk and Pidge while they got to safety. He was the sharpshooter, so it was natural that this was his role. Lance just had to cover until they were in the clear. Shiro was nearby and he wouldn't actually leave without Lance.

Lance was focused, taking threats down one at a time. He was drawing a lot of their fire and his hiding spot behind some supply crates was taking damage. He would need to move soon. Time was wearing on him and he felt his fingers begin to cramp up from the exertion. He shook the feeling away and continued on. His focus slipped, his shots were losing accuracy and his reactions became haphazard. He was being too slow.

"Lance! Let's go! Fall back!"

At the command, Lance moved behind the crates and turned to see Shiro a few meters away, motioning for him to follow him to the exit.

Before Lance could take a step, there was a round of enemy fire that managed to clip Lance in his leg, which he had left exposed, failing to pull it fully behind the crates. Lance stumbled, and the pain was intense, but not unsurprising. He managed to barely keep himself from falling. If he fell, Shiro would have to come for him and that would be too dangerous. Lance couldn't risk endangering Shiro.

Shiro came for him anyway.

Lance moved as quickly as he could, limping heavily. It looked like a deranged sort of skipping. Shiro ran to meet him half way, colliding with him and nearly causing them both to fall over.

Shiro wrapped one arm around his middle and nearly lifted him off the floor as he pulled Lance away to safety. Lance had enough adrenaline that he was able to keep going and ignore the burning pain he felt.

Luckily, they hadn't taken Blue on this mission and the Black Lion was picking them both up. Soon, Lance was sitting on the floor of the cockpit as Shiro piloted them out to open space.

Lance had removed his helmet; it suddenly felt too heavy, as though it was stifling him. Hearing his team expressing concern and wanting to know what exactly was going on, wasn't helping him to remain calm.

"Still with me?" Shiro asked after several minutes of a silence that was only filled with Lance's harsh breathing.

"Yeah..." Lance was surprised at how shaky his voice sounded. Honestly, it wasn't even that bad. Maybe it was because his adrenaline was crashing.

Shiro wasn't talking and Lance immediately felt a wave of guilt. He had endangered the mission in the end. Shiro was probably furious with him. Maybe Shiro was reconsidering Lance's role as the sharpshooter.

"I... I'm sorry," Lance mumbled. Shiro tensed and began to turn in his seat, but wasn't able take his focus away from the controls. They weren't safe yet and getting Lance to safety was his first priority.

"Why are you apologizing? Because you got hurt?"

"I didn't want to be a problem."

"You're not a problem,” Shiro answered quickly. Lance bit his lip and looked at Shiro. His leader certainly seemed upset, with a serious frown turning down the corners of his lips.

"Are you mad?"

"Lance..." Shiro paused, long enough to switch off his comlink that connected him to everyone else. "I'm not mad. I'm worried and to be perfectly honest, you did just about give me a heart attack right now, but I'm not mad."

Well, if Shiro was being _perfectly_ honest, he would have said that he was damn near having a panic attack. Before, when he had called for Lance, he had then turned away for just one second and then he heard fire and when he looked back around, all he saw was Lance stumbling. For a terrifying instant Shiro couldn't tell where the boy had been hit. Lance could have been dying in front of him for all he knew, but then he watched as Lance found his feet and was still trying to run. Shiro stared for too long, frozen in a grip of panic and fear. Lance could have been killed right there while his back was turned. He should have gone over to him, made sure Lance was safe to head for the exit. Shiro had quickly regained his senses and ran to Lance, but his heart never stopped pounding in his chest. He was now taking deep breaths, remaining calm. Lance needed him to be the level headed leader. No time to fall apart now.

Lance shuffled on the floor, attempting to stretch his leg out fully. Sharp pain shot up his limb and he couldn't help the groan that escaped him.

"Is it worse than last time?" Shiro asked.

"No... But when I think about it... I don't actually remember all of last time."

"Could've been a less powerful gun this time." Shiro assumed it would be better to keep Lance talking, they could both stay calm that way.

“I didn't see the gun last time, but this time it was more like pew, pew, pew and less blam, blam, bla..." Lance felt like his tongue was going sluggish and he fought back a sudden chill. Oh. That was probably the shock coming on.

"Just hang on a bit longer, we're almost there."

Lance stared at his leg, unable to see the extent of the damage, but he could see the armor was darkened and burned. It would have to be cleaned out and then he would be put in a pod again.

A feeling of relief shuddered through his frame and the briefest smile tugged at the edge of Lance's mouth.

If Shiro noticed it, he just thought that Lance was becoming a bit delirious.

* * *

 

Lance's calf wasn't as bad as his shoulder had been, but it still hurt and Shiro still wouldn't let him look at it once it was uncovered.

Hunk had held his hand again through the process of cleaning it. Then he was back in the pod for a few days. He didn't like the cold and dark sensation of those pods, but he would deal with it if it meant he could heal, if it meant he could have a few weeks of not feeling like garbage and fighting the worst case of insomnia he had ever had.

"I thought you weren't going to make a habit of it?" Hunk had said with a grin once Lance was healed again.

"Coran said I win a prize if I break the record for most time spent in one of these."

"I did not say that!" Coran chimed in from the background. "Also, that record is way too high for you to even try breaking it."

"Just kidding, Coran."

"Well, you better be. You hold the current paladin record for this team. Let that be enough for you."

Lance laughed it off and he was soon in deep conversation with Hunk on what he had missed. He felt his body relax as he talked with the rest of his teammates. He was alright now. He could do this.

* * *

 

Some weeks had passed and they were scouting an abandoned Galra base on a swamp filled planet. It wasn't really that dangerous, the mission was primarily based on a general curiosity of why the Galra would leave this base. After about an hour of scouting, they all became pretty certain that the Galra had left this planet because it was disgustingly humid and smelled like old socks. Their boots sank deep into the mud and each step took a great effort. Traveling on foot was time consuming.

Pidge had stepped into the wrong puddle and had suddenly been up to her waist in swamp sludge. It had taken several minutes to free her and she was now only allowed to walk along logs and branches that the others threw down to make little bridges for her.

Lance wandered away, following the noises of some kind of animal. He was thinking it sounded like frogs and he was curious what they looked like here. He stepped up onto a half rotten log and walked along it. He heard Shiro offering to carry Pidge for the rest of the mission. Pidge's indignant response was lost on Lance as he found what looked like the remains of a Galra ship sticking out of the swamp. He nudged it with his foot and then decided to walk across the wing to the other side. It was just as good a bridge as any. He walked to the end of the wing, only to find that the ground on the other side didn't look solid at all.

Lance studied a log that was sticking out of the mud. He could jump to it. If he made it, then he could continue exploring, if not... Well, it didn't really matter.

Lance took a few steps back and judged the distance. He would get a running start. It would do the trick.

He ran exactly three steps before his foot slid on the metallic surface, it twisted harshly before he was propelled forward. His face collided with metal and, stunned, he fell into the dark water below.

"Lance!" Hunk had been wandering not too far behind his friend, keeping an eye on him, but not really too concerned. He was not really prepared for Lance to decide to take a dive into a metal surface and then collapse into swamp sludge.

From Hunk’s shout, the others immediately became aware that something had gone wrong and they all rushed towards the noise as quickly as they could. Keith actually went ahead and picked up Pidge at some point, but she couldn't even be angry about it.

Hunk was wading through murky water, unable to move as quickly as he needed to. Because that was his best friend who had just fallen, and there was no evidence of Lance resurfacing. It had only taken seconds, but it felt like an eternity for Hunk when he finally arrived at the spot Lance had disappeared. The sludge went a little past Hunk’s waist. With his face shield down he ducked under the water, only disappearing for a moment before coming up with a mud soaked Lance. He pulled the other boy out of the sludge forcefully, yelling his name the whole time. With a great amount of effort he dragged him to more solid ground and leaned him against a tree trunk.

Lance sputtered and gagged, coughing up dark mud. There was red amongst the grime on Lance's face and Hunk realized it was blood, but he couldn't tell where it was coming from.

"You're alright, you're alright." Hunk assured him, with one hand on his back.  Lance dug his hands into the mud as he fought through a coughing fit. He was coughing up more and more sludge. When it finally seemed to stop, Lance gulped in air greedily, but he still choked and coughed again.

"Dude, that's why you were supposed to have your face shield down. The air here is barely breathable and it's gross." Hunk patted Lance's back, eliciting more coughing and retching.

"I don't like the shield," Lance finally managed to get out. Hunk nodded as though he understood, but he personally thought it was a bit extreme for Lance to refuse a fresh supply of oxygen.

"Lance," Shiro had finally arrived and he sounded stern. It was his _really_ serious, reprimanding voice and he didn't use it often with the team. "What were you doing?"

Lance motioned to the broken down plane.

"Crossing," he said breathlessly.

"Why? Why were you crossing something that is obviously not safe to walk on?"

"To get to the other side?" Lance provided weakly. Hunk raised his eyebrows and almost laughed, but Shiro looked irritated. Their leader took a deep breath and reigned in his emotions. He just really wished Lance would stop scaring the shit out of him every other mission they went on.

Shiro stooped down and began attempting to wipe some of the grime from Lance's face.

"You're bleeding. Your chin looks busted open."

Lance started to bring his hand up, but Hunk reached over and caught his hand, pushing it back down.

"You should probably leave it alone," Hunk smiled encouragingly.

"Does anything else hurt?" Shiro asked with a sigh. Lance assessed himself, he couldn’t see very clearly, covered in swamp gunk and even having to blink it out of his eyes.

"My ankle... It's kind of throbbing."

"Probably just twisted. Are you going to throw up anymore?"

Lance shook his head.

"Alright, then put your face shield down." Shiro turned to Hunk, "Can you help him walk?"

"Yeah, of course."

Hunk grabbed Lance's arm and put it around his shoulders. Reluctantly, Lance activated his face shield and leaned heavily on Hunk as they slowly made their way back to the Lions.

Shiro studied the rest of his team. Keith was standing near Pidge, close enough to help if she fell into any puddles again. Pidge looked miserable, worried for her friends, covered in slime and tired from the trek.

Shiro sighed again. They were all unhappy with this mission and he would rather not have them get burned out while exploring an abandoned swamp planet. He called an end to this recon disaster and they all followed Lance and Hunk back to their Lions.

What a day...

"Lance! Put your face shield back down!"

* * *

 

Lance's ankle wasn't broken and while he was going to be monitored for any developing infections, overall he wasn't badly injured. He could pilot with a twisted ankle and a cut chin, so there was no reason to put him in a pod and have him down for a few days.

"Sometimes it's good to let your body heal on its own!" Coran had said way too enthusiastically.

"My face is going to scar." Lance lamented.

"No worries! I have an excellent salve for that sort of thing, after a while you won't even notice it."

At that moment, Lance had a stupid looking bandage across his chin to hide the stupid, ugly stitches.

"Can't I just go in the pod for a little while? Just like an hour?"

An hour might be enough. Please, it had to be enough time.

Coran was giving him the oddest look and Lance realized he had sounded too desperate. Coran was going to figure out something was wrong with him.

"Is everything alright, Lance?" Coran sounded worried. He could see it, he could see how messed up Lance was. Lance fought to keep his expression neutral, but it was so hard. Coran was looking at him with such concern and Lance thought he could feel tears start to burn the corners of his eyes. He blinked them away. Maybe he could tell Coran what was happening to him, maybe he would understand…

"Sorry, never mind. I'm just tired."

Coran smiled gently at him and Lance forced himself to grin back.

They couldn't know, he couldn't tell anyone. They would think he was weak and pathetic.

 _Coward_.

* * *

 

It was the middle of the night when Lance snuck into the cryopod room. He hadn't been able to sleep, his ankle throbbed, his chin hurt, his stomach was twisting around and his brain wouldn't shut up.

He didn't actually know how to work the things, being pretty out of it most of the time when he was put inside one of them. Lance studied the controls, he didn't think he could figure it out. How did he set the timer on it? He could only do a few hours. He would have to be out before anyone woke up. But Coran woke early... Lance sighed.

He was pretty sure he was going to mess this up and get caught. Still, he started pushing buttons experimentally. When he thought he was close to figuring it out, he realized he would have to put himself in the pod. He was nervous to go alone. A fear of being trapped gripped him.

Lance hit the side of the pod in frustration. The pods were the only thing that helped and now he was too scared to see it through. He really was the worst. Lance bowed his head and tried to breathe.

"Lance?"

Lance jumped from his hunched over position, forgetting about his injured ankle and letting out a yelp when he landed on it. He drew up his injured leg and stood on one foot.

"Princess Allura?" Lance asked in disbelief. How long had she been watching him? Had she seen him losing it?

"Lance, what are you doing?"

Lance's brain seemed to stop working completely and he just stared with wide eyes.

"I can't sleep." He suddenly explained too loudly. Lance cleared his throat, realizing it sounded like a fabrication. "So I was just walking around and I was just uh... messing with these buttons."

"The cryopods aren't a toy."

"I know, I was just curious. My ankle is kind of hurting, but Coran says I don't need one."

"Oh, if your ankle hurts I can find something for it. You should stay off it. We have some cold packs to help with it. I think there are some pain relievers that work well for humans in the infirmary. I can get them for you," Allura already had begun to turn.

"That's okay!" Lance limped after her. "Coran already gave me that stuff. I was just having trouble falling asleep I guess."

"I see,” Allura was now giving him an odd look.

There was a moment of silence and Lance was trying to figure out the politest way to end the conversation.

"I sometimes can't sleep either," Allura said softly. "And when that happens, I walk around the ship. I check on the systems. Sometimes I run into Shiro, sometimes Pidge. Shiro is the more talkative of the two. This is the first time I've seen you up late though."

Lance just shrugged, he was running out of excuses.

"Are you alright, Lance?"

Lance blinked. This was the second time in only a few hours that someone was asking him that. Was it so obvious that there was something wrong with him? Was it written on his face or something? He was trying really hard to seem casual and not absolutely miserable with himself, so why did they all look at him like that? Like they knew, even though he was trying so, so hard.

"I'm fine. Just a long day. Good night." Lance was finding it hard to speak around the tightness in his throat, but he was damned if he was going to let himself cry in front of Allura. Allura, who had been through so much and still managed to carry on with the important things.

He left the room as quickly as he could and if she called after him, he didn't hear her.

Once he was back in his room he propped his stupid ankle up and stared numbly at the ceiling. He really was pathetic.

Lance didn't sleep that night.

* * *

 

A few days had passed and they were starting a sparring session on the training deck. Shiro hadn't arrived yet, so Lance was taking the opportunity to annoy Keith with everything he had. It had begun with Lance making comments about Keith's bed head, which was actually pretty bad that morning.

"I guess it doesn't look that much worse than when it's actually combed though." At this Lance actually reached over and tugged Keith's hair. Keith swiped at him. Lance dodged and jumped a few steps away.

"You missed!" He taunted. "I'm the one with the healing ankle, what's your excuse, Keith?"

Keith rolled his eyes and turned away from Lance. Not one to be ignored, Lance picked up one of their training swords. The weapons were dull, but they were decently heavy, designed to mimic the weight of a sword, but not the sharp edge of one. Lance began to creep towards Keith. Once he was in range, he quickly jabbed at Keith in the side and jumped back before Keith could make a move. Lance laughed loudly.

"What are you going to do about it?" Lance taunted. "Maybe I should practice more with a sword, seems pretty easy."

"Shut up, Lance." There wasn't any venom in his voice, but he was irritated. Lance could be so childish sometimes.

"Did I hurt your feelings? Bet you can't take me on. Even with a messed up ankle, I'm still super awesome."

"I wouldn't want to hurt you." It wasn't actually trash talk. Keith was being honest.

"You're not going to hurt me. You're just too scared that I'll beat you."

"I'm really not." Keith turned back around to glare at the wall.

Lance crept up and very quietly held out his sword, just above Keith's shoulder, but out of his peripheral vision.

"Keeeiiith," Lance whispered in the most annoying voice he had. Keith snapped his head around quickly and ended up nearly getting his eye stabbed out.

"Ow! Lance! Alright, that's it." Keith grabbed a training sword and ran after Lance who had already let out a high pitched scream and made a run for it.

Hunk and Pidge had been watching the scene develop with amused expressions, both of them were not feeling awake enough to participate or stop the fight yet.

Keith took a few swings, but Lance dodged them. He jumped out of the way and laughed in Keith's face. Keith swore and Lance laughed harder.

Pidge rolled her eyes. It was rare for Lance to really try and piss Keith off. Usually, he just annoyed him and tried to compete with him. _Lance must be working out some pent up energy_ , Pidge thought. It made sense; he had been forced to rest his ankle a few days and hadn't had much contact with the rest of the team, except for Hunk who made time to eat with him.

Lance got in a not too gentle hit on Keith's arm and that's when Keith really started fighting back. Lance, however, seemed to be in good form, blocking Keith's strikes and throwing his opponent off balance.

Lance tapped Keith's shoulder and then ducked away. Keith's sword whistled as it cut through empty air. Lance taunted and grinned the whole time, but it seemed as though the fight was starting to wear on him. Sweat had formed on his brow and he seemed to be breathing harder than he should be.

"Should we split them up?" Hunk asked. He had seen the shift as well. Keith was actually getting angry and Lance shouldn't have been fighting that hard with a healing ankle.

They were interrupted from their predicament when Shiro entered the room. He started to greet them, but then took in the scene before him. Confusion crossed his face and then irritation.

"What are they doing? They don't even have their helmets on. I've told you guys not to spar without all your gear."

"Lance managed to irritate Keith enough to set him off," Pidge explained with a shrug. The whole situation was getting a little ridiculous. Even if he was looking for an excuse to work off some energy, the fight was going on too long now.

There was the resounding noise of a solid hit and Pidge and Hunk turned back around in time to see Lance drop to the floor, where he went still. Keith looked stunned and Hunk and Pidge both gaped in shock. There was a moment when everyone held their breath. Lance didn't get up.

Shiro was racing towards the fallen boy, sliding on his knees when he got close enough.

"Lance!" Shiro was calling. He gently rolled Lance onto his back and started to assess the damage.

"Where did he get hit?" Hunk asked as he ran up behind Shiro. Hunk was looking at Keith, but the boy just shook his head, his eyes were still staring in disbelief.

"I saw it, he took a hit to the side of the head... He's breathing. Lance!"

Shiro was gently shaking him, trying to get him to respond. There was already swelling forming and a trickle of blood from the skin being bust open near the edge of his eyebrow.

"Keith!" Pidge exclaimed angrily because what the hell had just happened? "Why are you aiming for his head? That's not how we spar!"

"I-I wasn't!" Keith found his voice, but it was shaky and panicky sounding. "I wasn't! I swear I wasn't!"

Shiro held up a hand towards Pidge, without taking his eyes off of Lance.

"He wasn't. Lance moved at the last second."

"Shiro... I didn't mean to." Keith sounded so upset, more than Pidge had ever heard him. Shiro glanced up, concern furrowed his brow before he turned his attention back to Lance.

"I know, Keith. It wasn't on purpose."

Shiro could hear the immediate regret and self-blame in Keith's voice. He saw it in the way the boy still stood with one hand still gripping the training weapon and in the way he had gone pale. Shiro would have to talk to him, but it was going to have to wait. Lance needed to be checked out first.

Hunk was kneeling on Lance's other side, looking like he was going to be sick.

"He'll be alright, Hunk. It's probably a concussion, but we're going to get him help right now."

Hunk nodded and took a deep breath, steeling himself for another round of taking care of his best friend.

"Pidge, run ahead and find Coran, tell him to meet us in the infirmary."

"Right!" Given a task, Pidge darted off quickly.

"I'm picking him up.”

"You got him?" Hunk asked automatically as Shiro lifted Lance off the floor. Once he was standing fully upright, Shiro gave Keith a serious look.

"Keith, don't do that to yourself."

Keith just shook his head, looking like he wanted to cry or throw something, maybe both. Hunk became aware that Shiro seemed to be able to read something in Keith’s expression that he couldn’t see yet.

"It's not your fault. Go sit down somewhere. Drink some water. I'll be back as soon as I can,” Shiro ordered. Keith couldn't go with them right now and Shiro knew it. The boy wanted nothing more to hide away and blame himself. He wanted to rip himself apart for being so careless and hurting another team member. Shiro was giving him time, but like hell was he going to let Keith hate himself for long.

With one last look at Keith, Shiro hurried out the door with Hunk close behind.

* * *

 

Lance didn't regain consciousness before he was put in a pod. Coran had said something about acting quickly before there was any permanent damage done to Lance's brain. However, right before they put him in the pod, Coran had to hastily take out the stitches in his chin. Lance had needed a few more days with the stitches, but the pod would finish healing the cut. If Coran left the stitches in, they would become stuck in Lance’s healed skin. Removing them after that would have just caused more damage as they could very well become buried under newly formed skin. There would still be a scar, but the wound itself would be healed once Lance got out.

“Tilt his head back,” Coran said quietly. Shiro did as he was instructed, tilting Lance’s head further back. This would only take a moment, so Shiro hadn’t even put Lance down on an exam table. Instead he sat on the table himself, keeping Lance in his arms. Hunk and Pidge stood nearby, both in a state of worry.

A bit of blood dribbled down Lance’s chin and Coran quickly wiped it away. The Altean looked rather unsettled by the whole thing and he kept shaking his head throughout the process.

“I suppose it’s good that he’s not awake for this part,” Shiro said flatly. Coran could only give a nod in response.

* * *

 

Shiro stared at Lance's still form in the pod for much longer than he meant to. Hunk and Pidge had wandered off, planning on spending the rest of the day doing something distracting and quiet.

"Do you think he is reckless?"

Shiro turned to see Coran staring at him with curiosity.

"What?"

"Reckless. Do you think he is more reckless than the others?"

Shiro considered it. "They all are in their own ways."

"But Lance is the only one that keeps ending up back here," Coran said thoughtfully.

"I’m not sure. Why?"

"It happens sometimes," Coran sighed. "Warriors live through one bad experience; they think they are invincible after that. They become reckless."

Shiro turned the thought over in his mind. It didn't feel right. He didn't think Lance was getting hurt because he believed he was a great, unstoppable warrior.

"You're describing earth teenagers in general," Shiro said after a moment. "They're known for thinking they are invincible."

"Am I? Quiznak. That sounds like a nightmare."

Shiro let out a dry laugh followed by a sigh. He then turned to leave.

"I will talk to him about it after he wakes up, right now I gotta go make sure Keith is alright too."

“Tell him that Lance will be perfectly fine in a few days," Coran said with a small smile.

"Thank you." Shiro nodded and headed out the door. He really just wanted to have one easier week. But it was always something.

* * *

 

Shiro found Keith still alone in the training room. He was sitting on the floor in the corner. Shiro sat down next to the boy, but Keith barely registered his presence.

"Lance will be fine," Shiro began. "We helped him quickly enough."

Keith nodded, but was refusing to look at him. Shiro sighed. After a moment of hesitation, he reached over and tapped Keith's arm.

"Hey," Shiro prompted. Keith glanced up and Shiro registered the disturbed look to his eyes, the evidence of dried tears on his cheeks.

"I saw it. I know you weren't going for a shot to his head."

"I was swinging too hard."

"Keith..."

"And I was mad! Lance kept laughing at me and saying he was better than me. I usually don't care, but today he just wouldn’t stop. I was angry when I hit him. I shouldn't have fought him at all. What if he had died, Shiro? The right hit to the head could kill someone."

"Don't do that, Keith. He's going to be fine, focus on that."

"I hurt him though. Hunk and Pidge think so."

"Hunk is not mad at you. He knows it wasn't on purpose. Pidge just reacted, give her time to cool down."

Keith nodded, but he still looked so upset.

"This is why I've told all of you to wear the helmets when you're sparring. So that this doesn't happen." Shiro had been saving the reprimand for later, but it was a sign of his own frustration at the situation.

"I know, I know." Keith threw both his hands into the air. "I just forgot. Lance was insisting that I fight him. He was really annoying about it."

“Well, you'll remember next time."

Keith leaned back and thumped his head against the wall. He let out a deep breath through his nose.

"He could have dodged it," Keith said after a moment. "He had dodged everything else already."

"Maybe he was trying to duck under it. It could have been his ankle that made him slip up."

Keith scowled for a moment.

"He shouldn't be pushing himself then."

"You're right. I'm going to talk to him about it later." Shiro studied Keith. The boy had seemed to move past beating himself up and was now starting to step away to analyze the situation. It was good. That was a good quality in a leader.

"Come on," Shiro patted Keith's arm. "Let's go for a walk. You'll feel better."

Keith nodded and took the hand that was being offered to help lift him to his feet.

They just walked for a long time after that. When they got too close to the cryopod room, Keith paused briefly and then kept walking past the door.

They both still needed time to heal.

* * *

 

Throughout Shiro's lecture, Lance had nodded in understanding, but he stayed silent.

"Lance, are you listening?"

"Yeah, I am. No sparring without all our gear, no pushing myself and I need to apologize to Keith for getting hurt."

"I just said you should talk to him. I don't think an apology is what he wants to hear."

"No, I'll apologize. It was my fault."

"Lance..."

"Can I go now?"

Shiro was a bit taken aback by Lance's attitude. Shiro hadn't been angry, he was just trying to have a serious conversation so that he could figure out what was going on in Lance's head. But if Lance wasn’t in the mood to talk, then Shiro didn’t feel like he could make him.

"Yeah, you can go."

"Thanks."

Lance walked away quickly in the direction of Blue's hangar. Shiro watched his back, contemplating the younger boy's mood. Lance had seemed distant... Maybe he was just feeling guilty about the fight, but it was strange.

Something didn't seem right.

* * *

 

Lance sat in his pilot chair and sighed. He slouched down until he was nearly slipping off onto the floor. He felt a kind of curious concern brush his mind. Lance shook his head in response. The feeling of worry increased and Lance let out a louder sigh.

"I... I don't know, Blue. Usually after being in the pod I feel pretty good, but now...."

An image of an irritated Keith went through his mind. Looking back now, it had been a stupid plan. It wasn't even really a plan, more like a passing thought that had latched onto his mind. Training accidents happened. It would be easy. And then he could be put in a pod and stop feeling terrible about everything. He wouldn't have to fake being happy. Because it was exhausting and it made him feel like he was being stretched too thin. He could feel his edges cracking.

But now, he was overcome with guilt. He had a clearer head now and, with that, came the realization of what he had done to get there.

He had made Keith feel awful. He should never had done something like that to Keith or to anyone. They didn't deserve that. He would have to apologize. Be sure to let Keith know that it had been all Lance's fault.

"I think I might be a horrible person." Sudden tears began falling down Lance's cheeks. He hated how he cried so easily lately, but he couldn’t help it.

"I'm a terrible-" but Lance was choked by a sob and he put his hands to his mouth to try and stifle the noise.

There was a sound like purring and Lance felt a warmth around him. It felt like when his mother would sometimes just hug him and tell him how much she loved him. It reminded him of those late nights, when she would take him down to the beach and they would listen to the waves until he felt like the world wasn't so deep and dark.

Lance balked at the memory and he began to cry harder. He cried harder than he had in a long time, in no danger of being found, he let out loud, heartbroken sobs. He would never drag his team into his problems again. They didn't deserve to be treated that way.

Blue purred steadily long after his sobs tapered off and he finally went numb.

* * *

 

About a week went by since Lance had been knocked out by Keith. When Lance had finally worked up the nerve to apologize, Keith had only stared at him. If anything, the apology made Keith look at him suspiciously.

"I hit you. I'm the one who is sorry. Why are you apologizing?"

"It was my fault. I started it."

"No, Lance. No, I messed up. I let you bother me and I swung at you too hard. I should have just ignored you."

Lance got the strangest look on his face. He smiled, but his eyes looked watery, as though he was fighting back tears.

"Yeah, ignore me next time, okay?"

"I... Are you alright?"

"I'm fine!" Lance practically shouted. Looking embarrassed, he retreated quickly after that. "I have to go, I'll see you later!" Lance called over his shoulder as he ran out of the room.

They hadn't really spoken since then and Keith kept running the whole incident over and over again in his mind. Something was wrong here...

Unfortunately, Keith didn’t have much time to brood over it.

* * *

 

They were having a pretty extreme battle with the Galra on an occupied planet. It had been several days of fighting and nobody had any down time anymore.

Finally, the battle took a turn and victory was in sight. Their team had split up. Some were relocating civilians to a safer place, others were taking out the last Galra stronghold on the planet.

Lance was scouting alone. He had separated from the others, looking for any straggling soldiers that might try to surprise them. He had been sweeping the forest for hours now, listening to the chatter that informed him that this battle was drawing to a close.

He got the order to return to their temporary base camp and he acknowledged it appropriately. He walked slowly, considering his bayard in his hands. The energy rifle felt warm. He stared at it curiously and then pointed it down. He stopped walking, the rifle aiming over his foot.

Wounds from enemy fire didn't actually look any different from friendly fire, after all.

He knew he could handle it. He had already experienced that kind of pain twice. The battle was over, he wouldn't be needed for a few days. He could get put in the pod for a little while and then be out again. Good as new.

Lance aimed, not a direct hit, a graze, he didn't want to end up shooting his foot off. Lance felt sweat drop down his face. He blinked it away and refocused. He would tell the others that a soldier surprised him and he had been shot in the tussle. They would believe that. It sounded believable.

Somebody said something over the com and he quickly took the helmet off, he needed to concentrate, he didn't want to hear them now. If he listened too closely, he would lose his nerve. He just needed to move his finger and shoot. It would be over in a second...

Lance released the breath he was holding and let his gun swing to the side.

No, he couldn't do this. It was too much, too scary. What was wrong with him? This wasn't normal. He was really losing it.

Lance sank to the ground and put his head between his knees. He struggled hard not to cry. He couldn't cry now. He had to get back, they were waiting. But Lance couldn't find the energy to move, instead he sat against a tree, pulling in air shakily.

"Lance?"

Lance jumped at the voice. Pidge was standing there, looking nervous and fearful. Why did she look so scared?

"Lance, put your bayard down."

Lance blinked. How could Pidge know what he had almost done? Had she been watching him? Did she see? Panic gripped Lance. No, no, no, nobody could find out now. They would think he was insane by the way he had been acting.

"Lance," Pidge crept forward, crouching down to meet his eye level. She slowly reached over and pushed his bayard down, pointing it away. It then dawned on Lance that he had been resting his head on the gun's muzzle, letting it point directly at his forehead.

Horrified, Lance dropped his gun completely, allowing it to change back to its original form.

"I wasn't... Pidge I didn't mean that. I'm sorry. I'm fine. I wasn't going to..."

Pidge was still looking at him with wide eyes. She didn't believe him.

"Lance," Pidge said in a pleading voice, "just stop for one second. Breathe."

She slipped her helmet off her head.

"What happened?" Pidge set a hand on his knee, looking at him with intense concern.

"Nothing happened. I just felt like I needed to sit down. I'm alright."

Pidge maneuvered herself to sit beside him.

"Lance, are you alright? Are you sure? You don't look alright. You look really upset."

Damn.

Lance tried again to say he was fine, but Pidge was looking at him with such worry. She was leaning into his side, hands gripping his arm.

"I- I wasn't feeling well." It wasn't a lie. At the admission, his eyes began to water and he looked down at the ground to try and hide it. He breathed as deeply as he could, trying to get ahold of himself.

Pidge wrapped an arm around him and that just made him feel worse. She wouldn't be treating him like that if she knew how messed up he was, if she knew what a terrible person he had become. The thoughts made all the air rush out of his lungs. He choked, covered his mouth to try and get it to stop.

"Lance, Lance... It will be alright," Pidge soothed. He went on trying to stifle sobs and breathing harshly.

"Do you want me to call for Hunk? Or Shiro?"

Lance shook his head, he was already mortified that Pidge was watching him break down. He didn't need more of an audience.

"Alright. Okay. We'll just... sit for a while then."

They stayed like that for a long time. Lance kept fighting back sobs and Pidge kept telling him it was okay. But Pidge didn't know what was going on, not really. She looked almost as freaked out as he was. Seeing him with a gun barrel pointed at his head had really scared her. Hurting Keith, scaring Pidge. He was failing as a member of this team.

"I'm alright, Pidge," he finally forced out. He could pull it together for her sake. "It wasn't what it looked like. I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing. I wasn't trying to... do anything."

"But you were upset." Pidge said sensibly. Lance nodded, there was no covering it up, it had been obvious. "Everyone gets upset sometimes, Lance. Shiro says it can be overwhelming."

"I feel better now. I'm sorry about this. Sorry you had to see that."

"Don’t worry about me. Lance, even if you didn't mean to, you can't just point your gun at yourself like that. Look, I want to help. Anyone on the team would want to help."

Lance remembered a promise he had made in what felt like another life. His mother hugging him goodbye, telling him to talk to someone if he needed to, making him promise not to hold everything in.

He stared at Pidge. Maybe he should. Maybe it wouldn't destroy everything the way he thought it would. Pidge looked so sincere...

A twig snapped and they both looked up to see Keith standing a few meters away. Upon having them both stare at him, Keith looked incredibly uncomfortable. How long has he been standing there? Had he heard anything that Pidge had said? God, this was just getting worse.

"Um... Sorry. I'm sorry. I just... I heard voices. Shiro was asking after you guys. Hang on, I'll tell him you're both okay. Sorry." Keith awkwardly turned and walked a few paces away, reporting into his com.

Once he was done, he glanced back and then quickly away again. He looked upset. Lance had to assume he had heard their conversation. Keith cleared his throat, but he didn't speak again.

"We should go," Lance whispered. He stood up with Pidge moving herself underneath one of his arms. She was too small to be of much assistance, but the emotional support was there. Lance's eyes darted to Keith and then back to Pidge.

"Please don't tell anyone else about this. They wouldn't understand."

"Shiro would understand," Pidge said immediately.

"Please, just don't tell anyone..."

"You don't want them to know that you got upset during a mission? Lance, it's nothing to be ashamed of. Hunk and Shiro would both understand."

Lance shuffled his feet. He wasn’t going to be able to talk his way out of this. Pidge was stubborn; she wouldn’t just let it go.

“Fine, I will talk to Shiro myself. Just give me some time. Please."

Pidge glanced over at Keith who was now studying them both with a critical look. Lance followed her gaze to Keith as well.

"Please," he repeated.

"You should get some rest soon. You look tired,” Keith responded.

Lance almost laughed, he couldn't remember the last time he had slept easily.

Keith was still giving him a strange look and Lance got the feeling that he saw through him. Lance didn’t like it.

Pidge picked up Lance's bayard and when he held his hand out for it, she minutely shook her head.

"I can carry it for a while."

Keith walked over and picked up their discarded helmets, but he gave Lance a rather poignant look as he did so.

"I will talk to him later," Lance said, but it sounded fake, could Keith hear the difference? Keith narrowed his eyes, but then nodded.

"Talk to Shiro tomorrow," Keith said and it sounded like an order.

Lance breathed out. It was enough time to come up with something.

He just needed a little more time.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please do note the tags, if any of those things bother you, please read with caution. 
> 
> There will be comfort in this chapter. Much more comfort than last time. 
> 
> Please excuse mistakes, I was holding my baby nephew while I read it through. It was a nightmare.

"Need any help?" Lance asked.

He had been perched on a counter top, watching Hunk prepare dinner, for a while. Hunk was in a feast making kind of mood and he had been prepping for a long time. He was doing it in celebration of their victory against the Galra the previous day. Also, none of them had a really good meal the entire time during the long battle. So after the majority of them had slept, Hunk had awoken and was making the best meal he could.

"There's nothing to stir yet. Want to cut up these.... carrot things?"

The vegetable in question was orange like a carrot, but they were rounder, more potato shaped.

"Sure," Lance hopped off the counter and took the knife that was being offered to him. At Hunk's direction he began cutting the vegetable into thin slices. They worked together for several minutes when Hunk suddenly sighed and set the pan down that he was holding.

"I forgot to bring up the extra cooking oil from the supply room. I'm going to have to go get it... Oh, here, cut up this red zucchini thing too… I’ll be right back." Hunk handed Lance the new vegetable and then rushed from the room.

Lance was left alone. For a few minutes he continued on, and then he glanced back up at the door. Hunk would still be a few minutes. The supply room was a bit of a walk. Lance's hands slowed, the knife slowly cutting through one slice after another. He listened to the sound it made as it hit the cutting board after each chop. Eventually he stopped cutting altogether.

It wasn't ideal. In fact, it was an awful idea. But it meant no one else would be involved. It meant he could be put in a pod again and he wouldn't _have_ to talk to Shiro because he wouldn't need to. He would feel better...

Lance was eyeing his hand, his wrist... A deep enough cut to bleed, but not to do any lasting damage. Deep enough to cause them to put him in a pod, but nothing too severe that would hurt anything too important. It was a fine line. He took a deep breath and brought the blade down toward his skin.

There was a flash of red and then both of Lance's hands were being held by an unrelenting grip. Shocked, Lance looked up to see Keith staring at him with an unreadable expression. Lance felt his stomach drop and he gaped, unable to come up with a quick excuse. Keith had walked right into the kitchen and Lance had been too focused to even notice his presence.  

"What are you doing?" Keith asked loudly. Panic then began to set in. Hunk had just stepped out. He would be back any second and Keith was being too loud.

"What? Nothing," Lance forced out in a tense voice. "I was just cutting up the vegetables."

Keith was now squeezing Lance's wrists and he winced, but he didn't drop the knife from his grip.

"Keith, what's wrong with you? I wasn't doing anything. Let me go."

"Shiro!" Keith shouted, his eyes stayed fix on Lance’s face. It made Lance feel like he was seeing through him again.

"Keith! Let me go. I wasn't doing anything."

"Shiro!" Keith shouted louder, ignoring Lance’s protests.

"Stop! Please don't tell Shiro!" Lance hissed.

"Don't tell Shiro what? You said you weren't doing anything." Keith raised an eyebrow. "Shiro!"

"Let me go. It's not what you think. Just let me go!"

"Shiro!"

"You're an asshole, Keith. Let me go, let me go!" Lance began to struggle, but Keith held fast. Lance struggled harder, fighting to keep his grip on the knife, but not angle it in a way that could hurt Keith. Even as he panicked, Lance knew he couldn’t accidentally cut Keith, he would never forgive himself if he did.

"Keith?" Shiro called from down the hallway and Lance twisted hard, forcing Keith to fight to stay upright.

"You don't understand!" Lance screamed. He tried to punch Keith with his empty hand, but Keith held fast, not allowing Lance to put any force in the action. Shiro appeared, looking as though he had run to get there.

"What's going on? What happened?" Shiro moved to separate the two of them, seeing it as a fight, but Keith still clung to Lance's wrists.

"Lance was going to cut himself on purpose."

No, no, no, no.

"What? Lance, why would you do that?"

Lance felt all of his excuses die on his lips. He looked between them, Shiro looked so confused. His eyes then darted frantically between his trapped wrists and Keith's stubborn expression.

 Lance burst into tears.

Ironically, that did cause Keith to let go of his one hand so that Lance was able to bury his face in the crook of his arm.

Lance didn't fight as Keith pried the knife away from his fingers. He tossed it so that it slid away to the end of the counter, but Keith still clung to one of Lance's wrists, seeming to believe that Lance would bolt, if he let go.

"Oh, hey, hey, hey... alright." Shiro was stepping forward. He tapped Keith's fingers making him release Lance’s wrist. Keith hesitated, but then let go. He folded his arms across his chest and watched Lance for any signs of further trouble. But Lance just buried his face in both his palms and shook through harsh sobs.

"It's not alright," Keith grumbled. "I knew something was wrong with him. He was upset yesterday and made me promise not to tell... I knew he could have dodged that hit before. You let me hit you on purpose!" Keith was shouting now, suddenly angry at what Lance had done. “How could you do that to me? You could have died!”

"Keith," Shiro warned firmly. Shiro was shaking his head, but he reached over and tapped Keith’s arm softly. He could only deal with one teammate having a breakdown at a time. Keith needed to calm down.   

"What's going on?" Hunk's voice sounded from the entranceway. Lance audibly gasped at hearing Hunk. This situation was spiraling out of his control. His breathing quickened and he choked. This couldn't be happening. This couldn't be happening.

"Lance?" Hunk questioned, sounding so worried and a little scared.

Lance shook his head.

"Breathe, Lance," Shiro said firmly. "Keith, back up, step out. Hunk, I'm sorry, just give us a minute.”

There was the shuffling sound of movement as both boys removed themselves from the room.

"What happened?" Hunk whispered loudly to Keith as they moved out of the kitchen. Keith didn’t respond to him.

There was a long stretch of silence as Lance fought hard to regain his composure. Shiro stayed close the entire time, observing him quietly. He wanted to hug Lance, he really wanted to comfort him, but Lance looked like he wanted to just hide from everything, so Shiro waited patiently. When Lance had finally caught his breath and the tears slowed. Shiro placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Do you want to sit down?" Shiro asked.

"What, on the floor?" Lance sounded breathless.

"Yeah, sure," Shiro responded. Lance let his shaking legs give out and he slowly slunk to the floor, pressing his back against a cabinet.

Shiro sat next to him, close enough that their arms pressed together.

"Lance, can you talk to me? Tell me what's going on?"

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Sorry about what exactly?"

"I… I did let Keith hit me before. I shouldn't have done it, I just couldn't help it. I didn't mean to make him so angry. He shouldn't have felt bad about it. It was my fault."

"Alright, you let Keith hurt you on purpose. Alright." Shiro was processing as fast as he could. He was good at adapting to situations, but this whole thing had really startled him and he was doing his best to find stable footing in this scenario. He had known something was off with Lance, but he hadn’t thought it was this.

"Lance, I need you to keep breathing and talk to me. How long have you been hurting yourself?"

"It's not like that," Lance insisted. "It's just, I'm just... “

“Were you going to cut yourself?”

Lance stared at Shiro with wide eyes. Shiro sounded calm, but in his eyes, Lance could see the fear there. Lance was scaring him again. Lance opened his mouth to respond, but he couldn’t force out a lie. Shiro was going to see through him. Instead, Lance looked away, drawing his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them.

Shiro exhaled, realizing that this situation was, in fact, real.

“Can you please talk to me?” Shiro requested. Lance took a deep breath and he felt Shiro’s hand resting on his shoulder. Shiro wanted to help him, but he couldn’t do anything if Lance didn’t let him.

Lance then remembered the promise he made to his mother. _Tell someone_. Backed into a corner, he really had no other option anymore. The lies were wearing on his mind as much as the depression now. He couldn’t keep breaking his promise, it was destroying him.

“My brain doesn't make the right amount of chemicals.” It was strange, to hear his own voice speak aloud words that he had kept silent for so long. “The doctor said so. And I thought I was doing better, I haven't had any meds in over a year. I was doing better."

"Wait." Shiro moved his hand to Lance's back. "Are you supposed to be on medication? Why didn't you say something?"

"It's been a long time..."

"You could have said something, Lance. We would have figured something out."

Lance's eyes teared up quickly and, before he knew it, he began crying again. Shiro slowly wrapped his arm around him.

Lance was apologizing again and without meaning to, he started spilling his guts on the whole thing. He told Shiro about being 13 and being taken to so many doctors and how the medicine made him feel better, but he didn't want to take it anymore. He had been doing so well! But the last few months had been so hard.... And the pod had helped! More than any medication ever had. He was so ashamed, he had really messed up now. He had just gotten so desperate. So desperate for a respite from his own mind. How was he going to face Keith? How was he going to face any of them?

"I will talk to Keith," Shiro said calmly. "He won't hold it against you for long. He's not like that."

"He should hate me."

"Nobody hates you, Lance-"

"I do."

Shiro felt his next words die in his throat and Lance's eyes widened, realizing what he had just said.

"I wish you wouldn't," Shiro finally said slowly. "I wish you had told me sooner. Or Hunk or anyone. We would have helped you. I'm sure Coran could find something for you that will help."

"I've never told anyone. Nobody knows and I didn’t want them to. My family was the only ones who knew about it and even some of them think it's weird; my cousins think I'm crazy or something."

"You're not crazy. With everything that we've been through as a team, do you think everyone is perfectly fine? Everyone is having some trouble, Lance. You didn't need to hide this and you especially didn't need to hurt yourself."

"My problems didn’t start because of the fighting though. I was already messed up before I got here."

"You’re not _messed_ up. It's like you said. Your brain doesn't make the right amount of chemicals. You're not crazy, not at all."

"I was supposed to talk to you today,” Lance said after a moment.

Shiro nodded.

"Pidge told me to check on you. She said you were overwhelmed after the fight yesterday. I was already walking over here when I heard Keith shouting.”

"Pidge told... She wasn't supposed to."

"Pidge knows what promises are important to keep and which ones need to be… a little broken."

"I'm so sorry, Shiro." Lance's eyes filled with tears again and Shiro pulled him in closer, wrapping both arms around him now.

"We'll figure it out. It's going to be alright. I promise you, it will be alright."

Just outside the door, Hunk was holding back tears of his own. He had crossed his arms and kept shaking his head. Keith stood close, trying to be a comforting presence, but he was still feeling hurt, though he tried not to.

"Lance is wrong," Hunk whispered. "I knew he had problems. He didn't have to tell me. I figured it out. At the Garrison, I could tell that he was just unhappy sometimes, but I never asked about it. I just tried to be around and talk to him. I thought he seemed a little off lately, but I didn’t do anything... I’m a bad friend."

"No, you're a good friend Hunk. Everyone knows that." Keith bumped Hunk's shoulder with his own. "Lance didn't want anyone to know. It's almost impossible to help people who won't let you."

"Thanks, Keith," Hunk said quietly. "You're a good friend too." He smiled at Keith with such warmth that Keith felt undeserving of that kind of appreciation. He should have told Shiro about Lance as soon as he found him having a breakdown in the woods and he should never have sparred with him before either. Keith still had a lot of his own guilt to work through, but for now, with Hunk looking at him with such sincerity, he felt a great deal calmer.

They could work through this.

* * *

 

Finding the right kind of medication for Lance wasn't easy. He started off on a sleeping aide that Coran mixed into a tea. Shiro sometimes took that one and he swore that it worked, though it made him groggy the next morning. It did help Lance finally get some rest, but it didn't help him want to get up out of bed in the morning.

They talked about putting him in the pod for a few days, but it was not ideal to have a team member down that often and Coran insisted that the pods really shouldn't be used that frequently and in that manner. So Coran stayed up late, doing research and working on developing something that would help Lance. Shiro helped Coran out with the human side of it. He was able to somewhat tell Coran what was normal and what wasn't. Though brain scans of all the paladins revealed that none of them were producing a lot of dopamine. The scan of Hunk's brain was eventually taken as the example of what would be a human average and they worked to make Lance's levels closer to that.

Luckily, Coran thought that humans and Alteans were close enough biologically that they could try some well-known remedies first.

* * *

 

One major change that was implemented in caring for Lance now, was that Lance had to spend some time talking to one of them about what he was feeling and what he was thinking nearly every day. Usually, it was Shiro and, occasionally, it was Coran. However, there were a lot of days when Lance didn't want to talk to anyone. On those days, they just tried to stay near him.

Hunk, Pidge and Lance started having regular sleepovers. They found that Lance actually took comfort in the closeness of others, though he kept telling them it wasn't necessary. Hunk and Pidge brought their mattresses into Lance's room and set them on the floor, so that Lance's room was nearly wall to wall mattresses and blankets. They said it was like camping, only without being outside.

Shiro stopped them from starting a ‘campfire’ on the floor.

After that incident, they got an orange nightlight that looked enough like firelight to appease them all.

After about a week of the sleepovers, Lance was having a bad night, he had been given his sleeping tea and an extra dose of a new medicine that would hopefully help him quiet his mind, but he couldn't seem to slip into sleep. He kept jolting awake as soon as he drifted off. By the fourth or fifth time it happened he looked like he was ready to cry.

"Lance, do you want me to go up there with you?" Hunk whispered because Pidge had fallen asleep already.

"There's not enough room." There was a pause and then Lance shoved his blankets off of his legs and then rolled off his mattress. He landed on the edge of Hunk's bed and went still. This was better. It was warmer and he could hear his friends breathing peacefully. Hunk threw a blanket over him and then burrowed into his own bedding.

"Do I take up too much room?" Lance asked with a yawn.

"Nah, I can use some of Pidge's mattress. Pidge is so little, she doesn't even use half of the space."

There was the sound of Hunk being smacked softly in the face.

"I'm not so little."

"I thought you were asleep," Hunk turned slightly to try and see Pidge's face.

"You woke me up with your talking... Is Lance okay?"

"I'm okay," Lance answered immediately.

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

Pidge seemed to turn the response over in her mind, trying to decide if Lance was being honest. She eventually decided he sounded calm enough, so she let her eyes fall shut, listening closely to the breathing of the room’s other two occupants. A few minutes later they had all dropped off to sleep. It remained quiet and peaceful for about an hour.

Lance woke up again, sitting up straight in the bed. Breathing harshly, Lance reached over and hit his friend’s sleeping form.

"Hunk!" Lance forced out. The other boy's soft snores were unexpectedly cut off and he sat up with a loud grunt.

"Huh? Wha?" Hunk flailed in the dim light, still not awake enough to figure out what was happening.

Without warning, Lance was throwing up in his own lap and complete chaos erupted immediately in the room.

"The light! The light! Pidge get the light!"

"What's happening? What?"

Lance then vomited on Hunk, who had been moving to try and help him. The light was turned on and Hunk now wished he couldn't see the extent of what had happened.

"Pidge... I think I'm going to-"

At least Hunk managed to hurl over the side of the mattress and not on himself or anyone else.

Pidge moved around Hunk and made a grab for Lance, pulling him up onto his own bed to assess the damage. She felt his forehead. There was no fever, it was most likely a reaction to the medicine they had given him. Lance looked absolutely miserable with bile dripping down his chin and puke trailed down his pajama shirt. The room smelled pretty disgusting now and Pidge thought that some of the bedding would be better off just being thrown out.

"Are you done puking?" Pidge asked Lance, trying to remain calm as Hunk struggled to pull himself together.

Lance nodded, but he looked green and his eyes were kind of glazed over. He looked pretty out of it. Pidge started to work off his shirt, trying to avoid getting any sick on her or anymore on Lance.

Lance would need to change his pajama bottoms too.

"Hunk, are you okay? Can you help him with this?"

Because this was awkward now and Pidge didn't think she could do it without both her and Lance dying from embarrassment.

"Yeah, I'm done, I'm here. Sorry."

Hunk wiped throw up off his hands and onto one of the already spoiled blankets.

"I'm going to go get Shiro,” Pidge said as Hunk took over for her.

"Okay, sounds good. I'll just help him change."

When Shiro arrived, Lance had already thrown up again. He was curled up on his bare mattress now in only his boxers. He looked miserable, scared and too young as Hunk tried to calm him down.

"What happened?"

"He says his stomach hurts and he keeps puking. I can't get him to stop long enough to get him a new shirt or anything."

Shiro immediately had two fingers on Lance's neck, taking Lance's pulse. Looking worried about what he felt there.

"That's pretty fast," Shiro said quietly. "Lance? I'm going to get you a bucket and we'll move you to the infirmary. Alright?"

Lance nodded, not trusting himself to open his mouth. His eyes were wide and his cheeks were dotted with burst blood vessels from the exertion of puking.

"Don't be scared. You're going to be fine."

Lance nodded again, but he looked unsure.

Shiro left for a few minutes to locate a bucket. He returned quickly and was soon slowly pulling Lance into a sitting position. He positioned the bucket nearby and then worked with Hunk to dress him in a fresh set of pajamas. They then wrapped him in one of the only clean blankets left and Shiro carried him to the infirmary.

Pidge had awoken Coran and the Altaen was pacing while he waited for them to arrive. He took one look at Lance and his expression fell.

Coran brushed his fingers along Lance's forehead.

"So that's a 'no' on that dose of the calming medicine then. I'm sorry, my boy, you're going to have to just wait for it to be out of your system."

Coran gave him something for the nausea, but it didn’t seem to help much.

Shiro sat up with Lance the rest of the night. He encouraged him to take little sips of water and rubbed his back when it would come back up moments later. Lance was refusing to lie down, saying he felt more comfortable sitting up, so Shiro sat beside him, holding him steady as he trembled with the bucket in his lap.

Hunk and Pidge had cleaned up the room, though Hunk said it would probably smell funky for a long while. Shiro then instructed them to get some sleep; he couldn't have everyone on the team being sleep deprived the next day.

"Sorry," Lance mumbled later on when Shiro came back from cleaning out the bucket.

"It's not your fault."

"Still feel bad about it. You don’t have to stay up with me."

Shiro thought for a moment. "Considering that in the past few months, you've been struggling on your own; I would say I have some time to make up for.” Shiro set the bucket back in Lance’s hands, making sure he had a hold of it, before he hopped back onto the cot to sit beside Lance again.

"That was my fault,” Lance said quietly.

"You know what? I felt like something wasn't right with you, but I feel that a little bit with everyone, I guess. So I focused more on the team, lectured you when I thought you needed it. Looking back, I messed up. I messed up a lot with you. So, I'm sorry, Lance. Please forgive me."

"That's not… you didn't… it wasn't _your_ fault."

Shiro held out one hand to get Lance to stop talking.

"But I accept the blame. That's part of being a leader."

The room was quiet except for the sounds that Lance's stomach made as it rolled.

"I made my mom cry," Lance said out of the blue.

Shiro started to shake his head, not wanting Lance to come up with reasons to feel guilty right now, but then he thought that maybe this was something Lance needed to talk about. So Shiro put an arm around him and gave him his full attention.

"She tried not to cry in front of me, but I heard her once late at night. She's the strongest person ever, but she still cried because I was so messed up. Like she had done something wrong. It made me feel worse."

Shiro nodded, thinking carefully about his response.

"I think… all parents just want their kids to be alright. It must have been hard, but it still wasn't your fault."

Shiro couldn't do anything about the past, but he could be here in the present and maybe, protect the future too.

“You said to me once that your mom told you that you were strong. I know that didn’t seem right to you, but she wouldn’t have said it unless she believed it. I don’t think she saw you as being _messed up_. I think she believed you were strong. And she’s right. You’re one of the strongest people I know.”

Shiro looked at Lance and he could tell from his expression that the boy didn’t believe him, but at least he had listened and not argued. Hopefully, it would be enough.

"I think I'm feeling better," Lance muttered after a moment. He was done talking for the night. He really did still feel terrible and he didn’t want to cry any more. He was just so tired now.

"Want to lie down?"

"Yeah."

Shiro set the bucket on the ground and then arranged the blanket around Lance and tucked him in, which would have made Lance laugh if he wasn't feeling so spent.

"I'll be right here," Shiro promised as Lance shut he eyes. Lance wanted to tell him that he didn't have to stay, but he was already drifting off before the words could come out.

* * *

 

The next medicine they tried made Lance feel emotionally numb. He went through the motions of the daily routine, and he didn't get upset, but he wasn’t happy either.

"I don't like it," he told Coran after a few days. "Please change it."

Coran had already been working on something else, being unnerved by the way Lance went about his day with a vacant expression and no light in his eyes.

"I'll have something else for you to try soon, we won't give up," Coran insisted.

Lance only nodded, unable to find the energy to really care what Coran did anymore.

* * *

 

Lance had been eating dinner with everyone when he suddenly put a hand to his head and went quiet. Dinner had been going well, they had all been joking and Lance seemed to be actually happy. Coran was relieved that the new medication they were trying had no ill effects after four days. But now...

"Lance?" Keith had noticed him first.

The two boys hadn't had much contact with each other lately, even though Shiro had spoken to both of them multiple times and they both said they didn’t blame the other for what had happened, there was still an awkwardness that made it difficult for them to be in the same room for too long.

Lance shook his head, and shut his eyes. Realizing something was wrong, Shiro was up out of his chair and at Lance's side in an instant.

"What is it? Don't say you're fine. I know you're not.”

"Head hurts," Lance offered through gritted teeth. The pain had been so sudden and potent, he couldn’t hide it, even if he wanted to.

"How long?"

"Just started." Lance pressed his fingertips into his closed eyelids. Coran was now moving around the table to Lance's side. Shiro grabbed Lance's wrist and was taking his pulse, a habit he had picked up the last few weeks.

Coran glanced at Shiro, but Shiro just shook his head.

"It's faster than normal, but not dangerous."

"Lance," Coran spoke gently, "does anything else hurt or feel strange to you?"

Lance furrowed his eyebrows.

"Uh... Dizzy maybe. A little bit.”

"Let's go back to your room. Try lying down, see if it will pass." Shiro was already helping him up. But Lance's little bit of dizziness seemed to multiply with the movement because he nearly tipped over once he was upright.

Everyone stood up at the same time on instinct. Shiro caught him and kept him from falling into the table. Lance couldn't seem to find his feet and he let out a pained groaned, clutching at his head again.

Shiro only hesitated briefly before scooping him up in his arms and carrying him out of the room. Coran followed closely behind, asking Lance about any other symptoms.

There was a disturbing silence after the three of them left and Pidge looked miserable as she started to clear away her plate, appetite forgotten. Hunk waited a good 30 seconds before he followed Shiro, Lance and Coran out. Keith and Allura only took a few more bites of food, before cleaning up as well. The general atmosphere of the room was tinged with worry and despair.

The situation was starting to weigh on them all. Keith could feel it exhausting them, but he knew it didn't compare to how frustrated and alone Lance must feel. Until Lance started really feeling better, none of them would be able to rest easy.

* * *

 

Lance was on one kind of medicine for five days, before they realized it was making him worse.

They were under attack and they needed to fight, but Shiro didn’t want Lance out. He had been too jittery lately and he seemed to be having nightmares. However, they needed to form Voltron. Lance insisted that he could do it, but after several minutes, the Blue Lion still didn’t make an appearance.

Allura called them all back. They wouldn’t be able to form Voltron; Lance wasn’t able to join the fight. They found an escape window and they were retreating quickly. They would have to fight this battle another day.

“What happened?” Shiro asked over the com, keeping the panic from his voice. He already knew it wasn’t good.

“Lance is unable to pilot. Shiro, he says he can’t breathe.”

Shiro’s heart dropped.

“Where is he?”

“He’s right here on the bridge. We were able to get him to sit down. He never made it to the Blue Lion’s hangar.”

“I’ll be right there.”

By the time that Shiro made it back on the bridge, Lance was sitting with his head down between his knees. Both Coran and Allura were busy at their stations, but Coran was keeping up a steady string of encouragements for Lance’s sake.

“Deep breath through your nose and out your mouth, just go slow,” Coran was prompting. Shiro nodded at him and quickly went to Lance’s side. Lance had his armor on; he had been attempting to join them in the battle. He had _really_ tried.

“What’s going on, Lance?” Shiro asked softly. Lance sat up a little bit and Shiro noticed how pale he appeared. In response to Shiro’s question, Lance held out both of his hands. They were shaking hard.

“I can’t get them to stop,” Lance whispered. The tremors were consistent and didn’t seem to be slowing down any time soon. “I knew I wouldn’t make it on the zip line. I wasn’t going to be able to hold on.” Lance flexed his fingers, but they still shook. “I’m sorry. I knew we needed to form Voltron, but I just... I don’t want anyone to get hurt because I couldn’t help. I tried to get it to stop, I really did.”

Lance took in a deep breath, seemingly running out of air. Lance had panicked. Shiro knew what that was like.

“Alright, you’re alright. I’m glad you didn’t try the zip line. You could have gotten hurt.”

Shiro felt his stomach turn at his own words. Not long ago, Lance probably would have just taken the zip line. It would have probably ended up in a trip to the pod and then Lance could have felt so much better.

“When did your hands start shaking?”

“This morning, but it only got really bad when the battle started.”

“Anything else?”

“I feel like something terrible is going to happen to you or the others. I can’t shake the feeling. I felt… really scared. Even before the fight started.”

“How long have you felt that way?”

The others began arriving on the bridge, taking their stations and watching Lance and Shiro out of the corners of their eyes.

“Days. It’s never felt this awful before.”

“That sounds like it might be the new medicine causing it.”

“Oh,” Lance said and then he realized it was obvious. He should have realized it sooner.

“We'll stop it, change it to something else.”

“Okay,” Lance whispered quietly. Lance hated this. He tried not to let it show on his face, but then Shiro was hugging him and he realized he must have looked upset. Lance wrapped his arms around Shiro, feeling his hands shake against Shiro’s back.

“You’re alright.” Shiro said.

Lance nodded, though he knew it wasn’t true.

* * *

 

The next medicine that Coran creates makes Lance sleepy. It's not such a bad side effect so they stay with it for a little while. However, Coran keeps the supply of it locked away. Lance asks him why he seems so protective of it and he doesn’t miss the glance that Shiro and Coran share. After a moment, Shiro gives him a serious look and tells him that taking too much of this medication could cause Lance’s heart to stop.

“Coran doesn’t want anyone to accidentally take too much.”

Lance gets it. They can tell how frustrated he gets sometimes, how upset he becomes with himself. It’s not even the first time they’ve done something like this. Pidge ended up eventually telling Shiro about the whole incident with his bayard and Shiro won’t allow him to carry it with him now. So Lance understands. They’re just being cautious. Because they care about him.

It still hurts though.   

Lance walked away from both of them with tears in his eyes and it took over an hour for Hunk to get him to calm down enough to eat something.

* * *

 

One day they were starting their training, which was later in the afternoon now to accommodate Lance's sleep schedule, and Lance didn't show up. Hunk went to get him, but Lance wasn't in his room. Panic broke out immediately and everyone sprinted to different rooms looking for signs of Lance. Shiro wanted to tell them to calm down, but when Lance wasn't found right away, he started panicking too. Lance was so tired lately, what if he had passed out somewhere dangerous? Or what if the medication wasn’t working and he had hurt himself again?

Shiro walked to the pods because Allura told him before that she found Lance there once. But Lance wasn't there. Shiro then buried his face in his hands and he took a moment to breathe, recollect himself. _Don't imagine the worse. Just keep looking, remain calm_.

_You haven't failed him yet._

* * *

 

Keith had run through the halls looking to see if Lance had collapsed somewhere along the way and then he realized he knew exactly where Lance was. Because it was _Lance_ and there were only a few places Lance would actually go.

And Lance hadn't visited Blue in _days_.

Keith ran to the Blue Lion’s hangar as fast as he could. Once he was there, Blue didn't hesitate to allow him inside. Out of breath, Keith stumbled into the cockpit, catching himself on the back of the pilot's chair.

Lance was sound asleep, curled up to the best of his ability in the seat. Keith took a deep breath, feeling the adrenaline start to leave him.

"Lance," Keith said loudly, but the other boy didn't budge. Shit. He was breathing right?

"Lance!"

No movement. Keith reached down and shook Lance's shoulder.

"Lance! Wake up!"

Lance jumped slightly, his eyes fluttering open. He looked up at Keith with a confused expression.

"Keith?" He asked softly.

"Yeah, what are you doing? Everyone is looking for you. You should have told someone you were going to visit Blue."

"Blue?" Lance looked around, taking in his surroundings. "Wait… how did I get here?" Lance asked quietly. He then glanced back up at Keith.

"Keith?" Lance asked again, as if he had just noticed the other boy was there.

"Yeah, you freaked everyone out. Nobody could find you."

“Where…?” Lance glanced around, genuine confusion on his face.

“You’re in Blue,” Keith said after a moment. What the hell was going on?

"Blue?" Lance looked around and then back at Keith.

"How did I get here? Where am I?"

"You probably walked… You're with Blue. Lance...you don't remember?"

"I... " Lance looked around and then back at Keith again. "Keith?" Lance asked once again, looking surprised to see the other boy standing there.

_Shit._

* * *

 

Keith walked Lance straight to the infirmary, but Lance kept stopping, seeming to forget what he was doing. He also kept asking where he was and how did they get there. Keith ended up tugging him along by one arm, ignoring his questions mostly. After about the fifth time Lance had stopped to try and ask something, Keith started talking instead.

"You know, I think I should still be mad at you, but you make it difficult."

Lance tilted his head, but didn't respond.

"Shiro says to let it go, but he's not the one who you tricked."

"I'm sorry, Keith," Lance said automatically.

"I know, I know...  Look, I don't think I actually want you to be sorry. I just… I want you to get better. And I wish you would stop scaring everyone."

"Sorry," Lance whispered. Keith sighed.

"I'm sorry too, okay? Sorry that I yelled at you before and that I snitched on you to Shiro. Even though it was for your own good, I’m still sorry that it happened like that. Alright? I’m sorry. Try to remember that. I'm not going to say it anymore."

Lance nodded, though he looked confused, like he had lost track of the conversation a long time ago.

* * *

 

The medication had started breaking down chemicals that assisted with memory storage in Lance’s brain. He didn’t seem to be able to remember anything for more than a few seconds. Coran worked fast to restore what was lost. He ended up placing him in a pod, so that he didn't have any long term damage. Then that supply of medication was destroyed.

When Lance stepped out of the pod a few days later, Coran was the first to embrace him.

"I'm sorry, dear boy. It was my fault; I should have monitored you better."

Lance's memories were all a little jumbled, but he seemed to understand what had happened.

"Not your fault. It's my brain." Lance whispered, feeling his throat catch with frustration. "Coran, I don't think I can do this anymore,” Lance said in a hushed voice.  

"Please don't say that. Please don't give up. We're so close. I know it. You have to keep trying. Please."

Coran sounded so desperate and scared, like he had that day when he had to clean out Lance’s shoulder wound. Lance felt like his heart broke. He couldn’t hurt Coran, he had to keep trying.

"Alright..." Lance said slowly. Because Coran was good and he didn't deserve to suffer just because Lance felt like he had enough.

“Thank you,” Coran whispered to him. Lance didn’t feel like he deserved the thanks, but he nodded anyway. Lance then glanced up, realizing his whole team was standing a distance away, watching them.

"Keith told me sorry," the words tumbled out of Lance's mouth before he could stop them and Keith looked embarrassed.

"Surprised you even remember that. You weren’t even making sense, you kept asking me where we were every two seconds. It was annoying."

Lance smiled when Shiro gently smacked Keith’s shoulder.

His team... They cared so much.

* * *

 

Days and days go by until they find the one that works with minimal side effects. Lance can't take it too close to bed time because it keeps him up. He balances the sleeping aides with the anti-depressants and while he still wishes he could be able to get by without them, they really help. It clears away the fog, helps Lance to focus and see the end of the tunnel.

It's still hard and there are still bad days. There are days when no amount of kind words or affection helps him. This is still a war they’re fighting and the consequences are very real and impactful on all of them. Some days, Lance doesn’t want to get out of bed and he has to focus on tasks one at a time just to get through the day. They take turns helping him through those times.

“Just brush your hair, that’s all you need to do right now.”

“Eat breakfast, that’s all you need to do.”

“Hey, let’s just go for a walk around the ship now.”

“You want to talk about it? I’m here.”

Sometimes Lance talks, but sometimes he doesn’t.

 But along with the bad days, there are so many more good days now. Lance smiles and he laughs and it's rarely forced now. His team loves him and every once in a while Coran gives him this look where he just beams with pride in him.

It's not perfect, but Lance is learning how to trust in them and how to live a life that can be sad at times, but also filled with a lot of good things too.

They still had sleepovers in Lance's room and one night, Lance ended up falling asleep in the middle of Pidge and Hunk's mattresses. Throughout the night, the mattresses started to slip apart and he was in danger of falling through the slim space where the two mattresses met. But Lance looked so peaceful, that they just decided to leave him.

Hunk and Pidge fell asleep with Lance in the middle and it felt safe and warm.

Lance was soon awakened by two fingers on his neck, checking his pulse.

"Sorry, I was just checking."

Lance had gotten used to Shiro taking his pulse and setting a hand on his forehead at times, so he let him. It was normal now.

"What timesit?" Lance slurred, not quite awake yet.

"It's still the middle of the night, sorry."

"Is'k." Lance yawned and stretched as he glanced up at Shiro, who was balancing himself between the mattress and the wall trying desperately not to step on Pidge as he awkwardly leaned over to assess Lance. Lance studied Shiro in the dim orange light cast from their nightlight. Shiro looked disheveled and too worried.

"You okay?" Lance asked as he propped himself up on his elbow.

"I got woken up." Shiro stated simply. Nightmare. It goes without saying. Judging on how freaked out Shiro looks, Lance thinks it might have had something to do with him. Lance feels guilty. By being hurt so often and by hiding things for so long, he knows he really made an impact on Shiro's peace of mind.

"Do you want to stay here for a little while? My bed is free." Lance motioned to his own mattress that was not being occupied by anyone presently.

"That's okay, Lance."

"You could just stay til I fall back to sleep?" Lance offered. "Sometimes it's helpful if I know someone close by is still awake."

Well, if it was to _help_ Lance...

Shiro nodded and then made his way to the other bed, just barely avoiding tripping over Hunk's legs.

Once Shiro was settled, Lance sighed and nestled down in his blankets. His hip hurt from where it had become wedged between the two mattresses, but it wasn't so bad. Hunk let out a snore and Lance smiled as he drifted off to sleep.

The next morning, Keith wondered where the heck everyone was. Shiro usually trained early, but he wasn’t around. Keith checked his room to find it empty. None of the other paladins were in the kitchen or the dining area either.

He passed by Coran in the hall and when he asked Coran about it, he got a very amused expression on his face and told him to check Lance's room.

Keith didn't barge in, but nobody answered the door, so he just finally stepped inside. The lights were dimmed half way and what he first noticed was that the horrible snoring noise was coming from Shiro, who for once looked completely relaxed, sprawled out on the bed. Hunk was actually awake, resting with one arm behind his head. He gave Keith a little wave upon seeing him. Lance had managed to wedge himself further between the two mattresses on the floor and he looked as though he was about to be crushed by them. But he still seemed to be resting peacefully, so Hunk hadn't disturbed him. Keith didn't see Pidge at first, being burrowed down in the blankets and curled up against Lance, stealing his warmth. She had probably helped to push him into his current predicament without realizing it.

Keith gave Hunk a quizzical look and Hunk smiled at him. Hunk pointed to the other side of Pidge, where there was still some room and then he pointed back at Keith.

Keith raised an eyebrow, so Hunk repeated the motion. Pointing at Keith and then the empty bed space. Keith just stared.

"Keith," Hunk whispered loudly, "you look tired. Take a nap."

Keith blinked... The idea of taking a nap altogether, like they were toddlers or something, it seemed ridiculous.

"Come on, hurry, before you wake up Shiro or Lance," Hunk whispered urgently. Well, he didn't want to wake them up, they both had such a rough time at night, extra sleep would be good for them. He moved on instinct to get Hunk to stop making noise. He took up as little space as possible on the mattress.

"This is...odd," Keith spoke after a moment.

"You didn't have any sleepovers as a kid?"

"No."

Hunk hummed in response and then closed his eyes.

"Guess will have to fix that." Hunk finally said, but Keith wondered if he was falling back to sleep.

Keith listened to the steady snoring of Shiro and the even breathing of the others.

It was silly. It wasn't even lunch time yet and Keith had only trained lightly that early morning. He still shut his eyes, but it was only in the interest of being a team player. He wasn't actually tired...

When Keith awoke it was much later and it was because Lance was loudly complaining about being crushed.

His complaining came to an abrupt halt when he realized his room had an extra occupant.

"Keith?"

Keith rubbed at his eyes.

"When did you get here?"

Keith shrugged, having no idea how much time had actually passed.

"Wow, your hair looks even worse than usual," Lance remarked. Keith threw a pillow at Lance's face, which caused him to fall back into the mattress abyss. Pidge, who had been awake already, quickly removed herself from the range of retaliation, rolling out of the way with a blanket still wrapped around her like she was a disgruntled caterpillar. She ended up on the edge of the room and watched Lance dislodge Hunk when he stole his pillow to clock Keith with it. Hunk let out an indignant squawk, but he offered Lance a second pillow when Lance needed more ammunition.

Shiro awoke with a bit of a start, but upon hearing Lance laugh, he immediately calmed. They were okay. He smiled at them, acting silly and honestly happy to be together. It was such a change from where they had been a few weeks ago. He was so proud of them all.

A rogue pillow was flung wide and slapped Shiro in the face. Lance's eyes widened and Hunk quickly ducked out of the way. Keith looked horrified.

"You're both in for it now," Pidge muttered from the sidelines. With a smirk, Shiro lobbed pillows at both of them. They both screamed. Keith's yell was so high pitched that Lance ended up laughing at him until his side hurt and he didn't even mind that he completely lost the pillow fight.

Things weren't perfect, but at that moment, Lance's laugh was truly genuine and he was glad to be surrounded by some of the most incredible people in the universe.

He was going to be okay. He knew that he didn’t have to struggle to be better because, while he was surrounded by people who loved him, he felt truly strong. 

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope people enjoyed it. I really didn't want to split this one up from the first chapter because I think it interrupts the flow, but I did what I had to do to make it manageable. 
> 
> The beginning of this is so rough, but then there is so much fluff. I actually embarrassed myself with the amount of fluff I ended up writing. I was trying really hard NOT to have a pillow fight, but it just worked it's way in there.
> 
> I love disgruntled blanket caterpillar Pidge. Update: I have now asked an artist to draw her for me and I was very grateful for [this](http://starbutterfiy.tumblr.com/post/162146456519/hi-i-saw-your-really-cute-drawings-and-if-you). She's so very cute.
> 
> Leave me a comment. I read those things like 30 times each.
> 
> UPDATE: If anyone is interested, there is now a drabble with Keith's POV for the knife scene. It was written at 3am and is quite short, but there it is. It's on my tumblr [here](https://banditywrites.tumblr.com/post/161274459415/a-lonely-mind-keith-pov)


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